My Dearest Mommy

My dearest mommy - I am missing you today, watching the snow fall outside my window. And I decided to read back through all of our journal postings - to hear your voice again through your writings, to feel you close. I feel you anyway though - I know you are with me but it is hard. Often, and most of the time, you are just too far away. Occasionally, you are right here. Loving me and watching me - and aching with me - but comforting me with your big blanket. We are doing ok - the boys have picked up this year and are loving it. You would be so proud to see Ari - how he loves his school, what he is absorbing and teaching us all, his fantastical drawings, his inquisitive mind. And Noam - how he misses you so! He shows me love with wild abandon, throwing himself around my neck, showering me with kisses. He is so articulate for a three year old - it is often surprising. And his humor shines through. Lavi is caring for me and helping to keep me on my feet. As usual, he is stressed with work and overwhelmed, but he continues to take care of all of us. And I am back to work - compartmentalizing all the time - getting through my days and my responsibilities. Aching for my mommy. Needing a hug from my mommy. Missing delicious cooking from my mommy and feeling overwhelmed at trying to pull it off without you (although I think I have made a few good dishes lately - lovingly inspired). I lost your messages on my phone - it broke my heart - but I am not going to torture myself to get them back - you are in my heart and your voice is in my head. I pray I never lose any of you - but I am scared of my horrible, inadequate, and insufficient memory. Even if I forget a few things - you are in me. I feel you as if I were you - what I truly aspire to be. There is so much about you, how you raised me, how you spoke to me, how we shared - that I find remarkable. None of us ever near perfection, but we can love even the most imperfect. I lost my guide when you died. I lost my unconditional love that only a mother can give. I lost the filling of the rest of my very filled days with you. These are big holes. They can never be filled by another - I will always miss you. But I am stepping one foot in front of the other. I am moving forward to be just that for my own children and to continue to build a life as beautiful as the one that you created. I love you very much.