Pure heartache

My mother passed away in the heart of a hurricane. This was the story:

I mentioned in a prior post that mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on march 4. On April 5 she started Chemo. When we returned from our family vacation to Bethany Beach, DE at the end of June, mom stopped all treatment. From June 27 through august 28 mom lived out her final days - with dignity and grace - as she had requested. I will forever be grateful to my mother for the way that she led us all through her dying process. What could have been an utterly frightening, painful and sad two months was more of a sweet time, at least for me. Of course, there was always a heavy sadness in my heart - but we didn't dwell on that. And if I felt like talking about it - mom would talk about it with me. Nothing was taboo - nothing felt unspoken. I am a very blessed and lucky daughter to have had the mother that I had. Mom got increasingly weak as time passed. At first, you could barely tell that she was sick. It felt hard to believe. But as time went on she barely ate, lost a lot of weight, and her pallor changed. Mom made a clear choice to die at home, under the care of hospice and we honored that. It was so hard, but it would have been hard no matter what. I feel that we did the right thing for mom even though it was so difficult to make sure that she had perfect care from us. When we needed to move her, we often did it wrong and she would let us know. But she also let us all know how much she truly loved us all and I know that she did not dwell on our mistakes. We knew that mom's death was approaching - but could never fathom the circumstance in which it came.

The television news was calling for the worst hurricane to hit the Northeast in 20 years. I had gone home to take shelter with my family for the storm. Although I knew that mom was close to death, I was told that a person could continue to live for up to 10 days without eating / drinking. It was hard to imagine. So I went home. But I got a call on Saturday morning from Tessa that mom was actively dying. And I rushed right back over. The hurricane was looming. We couldn't get an RN from the hospice to be with us. Nurses were scarce. So Lissa Feigenbaum walked 2 hours on Shabbat to come and help us. A real mitzvah. Mom was taking morphine every two hours. At 10 pm we put a schedule together for our shifts. The wind was roaring - the rain was pelting. In my view - the earth was crying out in anguish for losing such a beautiful physical presence. Maybe I will always view storms this way. But at 4am mom finally succumbed. And we covered her with a sheet and called the hospice. EMS arrived to declare her death, but the police wouldn't come due to the weather. So we waited. And we watched over mom until 8:30 when the funeral home braved the storm and came to take her. There are so many more details but that is her story. And my heart aches for this enormous loss. Miss you desperately my beautiful mommy. Love you always!

Gan Yeladim Graduation - Ice Cream Party!

Today - Ari threw an ice cream party, along with 27 of his closest friends, at Gan Yeladim to celebrate his graduation from Gan! I could not have been more impressed with the wonderful celebration that the children provided. Firstly, the room was decorated just beautifully! Not too overdone - but enough food & drink, festive balloons, and gorgeous art from the children that hung all around. The size of the crowd was perfect. The children were visible and looked wonderful in their colorful ice cream aprons. They sang songs, and the mommies, daddies, siblings and grandparents laughed and cried. I sat with tears most of the time, but with a huge grin too as I watched Ari nervously fiddle, look around, smile, wave, and barely sing. But he was proud and he was happy and I thought he was just beautiful sitting up there. My big boy looks so tall to me now. So wise in his years. So happy and playful. He is 5 years old and my heart was bursting with overflowing love for him in his first performance to a crowd. I cannot believe that time has brought us to this point where Ari is graduating from his Gan - his place of comfort for the past 3 years. Thankfully Noam is still going to be at Gan and we do not have to close the doors on that place just yet. It is a wonderful, loving & nurturing school in which Ari has grown in leaps & bounds. Thank you Gan for helping us shape and mold our little Ari - and prepare him for his next adventure!

and a one, and a two and a three!

Noam turned 3 on May 7. The next day was Mother's Day (a very special one for the Goldberg's, and the first for Natalie & Dave). And Manda's birthday is May 9. So we combined the celebrations and shared a special day with the Goldberg clan at Darien Beach. Mom was surprisingly feeling ok (the day before had been rough but she seems to pull through for special events). She held up at the beach for hours. The sun was shining - we maybe were finally turning a corner with the weather.

As far as mom's health, we had received some poor news the week prior that the Folfirinox wasn't working, so she was quickly switched to a new treatment regime including shorter chemo blasts, with continual oral chemo. We were holding our breath to see if would be kinder and gentler. The Folfirinox was an ox with nasty horns. So far so good - her energy levels looked like they were picking up so we were pleased with that bit of news.

We brought a picnic lunch for the family. As usual too much food. Natalie commented that of course with 4 jewish mother's - how could there not be. Lavi made it clear that we were the ONLY Jewish mother's on the beach that day. But you can't beach Darien beaches - that's for sure! Noam was celebrated with costumes galore - so exciting!

Noam then continued his birthday celebration with a party the next week for his friends at our house. Noam had wanted a repeat of ari's party - costumes, races, superheros, bouncy castle, silly string, etc. So sad - but it got rained out. So we bagged most of it except for the bouncy castle (thanks Rosenberg's)...and the kids had a ball bouncing on the castle in our playroom. Thanks to Lavi for always diligently clearing out the toys. And an added bonus that the room is large enough to do such a thing. But it worked - and what could have been a disaster, with again tired parents, turned into a bunch of fun for the kids. And Noam just loved the racecar superhero cake which he helped me decorate the day before. We were thrilled to have Tessa join us for the party - and also so happy that mom could make it again.

Chag Pesach Sameach

Wow - this year was a tough Pesach. It has been a really rough month and a half since mom's diagnosis. And she put special emphasis on having a good and meaningful Pesach this year the minute she found out she was sick. Pressure? No way :)

It was amazing how a one woman show in the past turned into about 15 helping hands. Jobs were quickly divided. Everybody pitched in and we pulled it all together. It always looked so easy for mom to pull it off. Partly - it is usually in her home so she has the luxury of cooking here and there, freezing food and slowly creating beautiful tablescapes. The Seder was once again at mom & dad's house - so it was a little more difficult for those of us that do no live there - but obviously not impossible.

We worked all day and welcomed guests at around 5pm. But prior, around 3pm Avril & Michael appeared with the hot meals that Jilly had ordered, plus a week's worth of food for the rest of the family. What a beautiful and kind gesture. We were amazed. So we obviously had enough food, plus to feed the guests and the family and hopefully mom as well (not as easy).

Mom decided to deliver a drosh - she said it would be 10 minutes. She stood up at the head of the table, and spoke with ferver. The speech lasted about 30 minutes - but the message of Walking with God was clearly delivered. It was tough to hear, maybe especially for those who had not been involved in each step of mom's journey so far, but mom needed to tell all of us how she has seen miracles along the way and that we need to keep a keen eye and keep on counting them. Mom had the energy to deliver the speech, but it was zapped right after and she retired quickly to bed. Chemo treatment was the next day and I am sure not very welcome.

Our family worked tirelessly right after the Seder to bring mom's house back to exactly perfect. It was work - but well worth it for her to wake up to an untouched house, blooming and blossoming with gorgeous flower arrangements. She appreciated it - I know. Dad, Manda & Dave went off to sit with her for her second Chemo treatment - it was tough day but she enjoyed the company.

Superhero Headquarters

Happy 5th Birthday RiBoo!!!

So Ari's birthday came at a bit of a crazy time this year. Mom has just started treatment and Pesach is on Monday night. I decided to sneak in the 5th birthday part celebration on Sunday. We transformed our house into Superhero headquarters - and the kids actually had a blast. I was worried about the lack of structure - which neither Lavi nor I had the energy this year to try to implement - but the dose of chaos was just what the kids needed (and I think the family too). The superheroes just had a blast and a half - bouncing on the headquarters castle (thanks Rosenbergs!) and running relay races. The best part of the party for me - and Ari too - was the silly string fiesta. I think this may have been a first for most of the kids and the novelty of it all was just too exciting. It was REALLY fun to just see them all go nuts with the string. Just let loose! Thanks Lavi - it was the best idea. Lavi also found some superhero themed music which lay as background to the races. This was also Ari's favorite part - just rocking it out with his superhero buddies!

Ari is SO excited to be 5 years old. He had trouble falling asleep before his birthday on Saturday and again before the party on Sunday (plus we had cupcakes at Gan on Friday too). It was a SUPER weekend for him - and Noam was a wonderful sidekick too - and I think he is looking forward to his birthday even more just based on how much fun he had.

We love you big boy Ari!!!

Bad News Bears

So we returned from our vacation to a sick Granny - who was undergoing multiple tests to check out the issues. On March 4 - we heard some devastating news - mom has Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Just really awful horrible news. But we are banding together to try and figure this nasty out - and make the best for mom. She started chemo on Tuesday April 5th. It took about a month to find the right doctor - and get multiple reviews and opinions. We settled on Dr. Barry Boyd in Greenwich and we all are so relieved to have found him. Mom is very careful about her nutrition - and is trying to take a more holistic approach. The chemo was just awful and mom felt pretty terrible - but she started to feel better into the second week. Chemo #2 starts on Tuesday - the day after Pesach. We are thankful that we will all be together on hopefully a good day for mom to celebrate the chag.

Florida Sunshine

So we headed down to Florida for a must-take vacation to get away from this awful winter weather. Florida was really great. We stayed in a timeshare at the Wyndham Palm-Aire in Pompano Beach. The area was pretty central and it was easy to get around. The hotel had 5 buildings - we got placed in the smallest one - which ended up being a blessing since it had it's own private tucked away pool. The pool was heated and the kids just had a blast swimming in there every day. We got into a routine - swimming until about 2pm - getting lunch delivered poolside. At about 2:30 we would head back to our room - get changed and ready and go to the beach of the day. We hit Hollywood Beach, West Palm Beach, Fort Lauderdale Beach and the Beach at key Biscayne (that one was a day trip - and it was fantastic!). The weather was just outstanding during our trip. We relaxed - and ate well - and enjoyed the trip a lot. The kids are wondering when we get to go back to our 'vacation house' and our 'vacation car'.