Pure heartache

My mother passed away in the heart of a hurricane. This was the story:

I mentioned in a prior post that mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on march 4. On April 5 she started Chemo. When we returned from our family vacation to Bethany Beach, DE at the end of June, mom stopped all treatment. From June 27 through august 28 mom lived out her final days - with dignity and grace - as she had requested. I will forever be grateful to my mother for the way that she led us all through her dying process. What could have been an utterly frightening, painful and sad two months was more of a sweet time, at least for me. Of course, there was always a heavy sadness in my heart - but we didn't dwell on that. And if I felt like talking about it - mom would talk about it with me. Nothing was taboo - nothing felt unspoken. I am a very blessed and lucky daughter to have had the mother that I had. Mom got increasingly weak as time passed. At first, you could barely tell that she was sick. It felt hard to believe. But as time went on she barely ate, lost a lot of weight, and her pallor changed. Mom made a clear choice to die at home, under the care of hospice and we honored that. It was so hard, but it would have been hard no matter what. I feel that we did the right thing for mom even though it was so difficult to make sure that she had perfect care from us. When we needed to move her, we often did it wrong and she would let us know. But she also let us all know how much she truly loved us all and I know that she did not dwell on our mistakes. We knew that mom's death was approaching - but could never fathom the circumstance in which it came.

The television news was calling for the worst hurricane to hit the Northeast in 20 years. I had gone home to take shelter with my family for the storm. Although I knew that mom was close to death, I was told that a person could continue to live for up to 10 days without eating / drinking. It was hard to imagine. So I went home. But I got a call on Saturday morning from Tessa that mom was actively dying. And I rushed right back over. The hurricane was looming. We couldn't get an RN from the hospice to be with us. Nurses were scarce. So Lissa Feigenbaum walked 2 hours on Shabbat to come and help us. A real mitzvah. Mom was taking morphine every two hours. At 10 pm we put a schedule together for our shifts. The wind was roaring - the rain was pelting. In my view - the earth was crying out in anguish for losing such a beautiful physical presence. Maybe I will always view storms this way. But at 4am mom finally succumbed. And we covered her with a sheet and called the hospice. EMS arrived to declare her death, but the police wouldn't come due to the weather. So we waited. And we watched over mom until 8:30 when the funeral home braved the storm and came to take her. There are so many more details but that is her story. And my heart aches for this enormous loss. Miss you desperately my beautiful mommy. Love you always!