Well in the past 5.5 months since my mom's death - I have learned one thing for sure - life goes on. My heart aches every day for my mom - just to talk to her - to hear her voice - to tell her the small things about my day that absolutely nobody else cares about - to hug her - to eat with her - to be soothed by her - to laugh with her. She is gone from the present day - and guess what - life goes on. My kids continue to grow - we have to eat dinner every night - we have to brush our teeth and comb our hair - we have to catch the bus in the morning - we have to give big hugs and wave goodbye for a good day - we have to go to work - and we have to push ourselves to do it all again for the next day. These things are hard when you are grieving - but surely life goes on. Flowers continue to bloom - new and beautiful art is created each and every day - Ari makes new art - Noam makes new art - Ari learns new words - Noam sings new songs - Lavi makes career decisions - dad learns a new recipe - and I support all of them and watch them grow. And I notice that life goes on. And when it comes to me - I can't be as sure - I know that I smile and I laugh - I know that I love and I cry - I know that I work hard and I am praised for it - I know that I am strong - but I only feel loss - I can't see growth although I know it is there (certainly sideways). But even though myself feels a blur - life goes on and I am moving along with it. Swept up in the day to day activities, conversations, captured moments and grief. Since my mom passed:
Ari started school at Carmel Academy. He took the bus for the first time and has never looked back. In the first week of school he galloped on to the bus like he had been doing it for years - and I was truly surprised, but then he told me - mommy - I get a little sad when the bus leaves and I cry a little inside - and I told him that I have cried too and it is ok. That was week 1 - and he has not wimpered since. Ari has always been a little anxious - afraid to enter a large group, shy to go on rides and slides (that hasn't changed much), scared to get really absorbed in a soccer game, timid in crowds - but not since Carmel Academy. My little boy is growing - he was excited to start Kindergarten - he chats and makes friends easily - he stands up and tells stories to his class - he begs for playdates - he is a sponge for knowledge - he learns new hebrew words and songs (and sings them aloud) - he plays soccer on the playground with the first graders (and gets picked first for the team) - he plays soccer with the big boys outside of school and dives right in - he is fun and funny, a reader galore and a true artist - and bursts with potential. His spark has always been there - he is not as shy to show it around these days.
Noam started room Tet at Gan. He joined a new group of kids in his class this year - but he moved on with his 3 best friends so that helped. Noam is a goof ball - he sings and dances - his favorite is the zombie dance - he LOVES to tell jokes and gets the humor in a lot of more mature ones - he is a great listener - and talks A LOT. He has his opinions - he always has to share them - he talks a lot about my mother - he plays a ton with his brother - he tests the waters with his parents and is not afraid of pushing the limits - he gives huge hugs with wild abandon and delicious kisses and loves soft things - he falls asleep at night when his head hits the pillow - he loves his doggies - he has a lot of playdates and enjoys his friends - he is friendly and speaks to everybody - he also lets you know when he is feeling shy and doesn't want to talk - he loves to race and zooms around the playground - he is diplomatic - and he also shows a flare for drawing. He is three and a half going on seven - he told me the other day that he wants to be a grown up. He asked me if he was going to be a good dad. He is a thinker.
My boys are the light of my life. This is why life goes on. This is why I have to notice that life goes on.
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